My Horrible Little Book

The poem below is an expression of myself at a certain point in my life and how I view my own childhood and the trap of childhood in general when we are born to the wrong parents.

I occasionally edit it.  The letter ‘N’ has always been a thorn in my side.  It has been changed from “N is for naps mommy takes with no compunction”.  I in no way wish to shame mothers or anyone for treating themselves well and resting but napping too much can be a sign of disease in the body and as a child with a parent who may have untreated depression it is difficult to understand why mommy is never there.  That was the intention of the line, however, I changed it regardless.  The issue of nuance being absent in my life and the connection to dictators and propaganda (aka narcissistic mothers/fathers of state) is a big issue in my psyche as well thereby also a truth for me.

Most of this is my own story but not all.  To anyone familiar with his work, I owe a thanks to Edward Gorey.  But no more so than to Brene BrownAlice Miller and Anne-Marie MacDonald (her novel Adult Onset gave me ‘X’ and if she asks me to change it, I will).  Have you checked them out yet? Do it now.  I can wait.  After goofing around with my husband using rhyming couplets, I fell asleep with the first line in my head and in my next day’s shower rattled off the rest to myself.  I hope it doesn’t constitute stealing in any way.  The alphabet is free for everyone to manipulate and use and I want to make my story come out in my voice, even when my voice might sound like something I read in my childhood… Is this still art? I think so.

I intend to animate the poem to a robotic voice (Siri) but I am having difficulties getting to the drawing board on this one.  It’s imbedded in the ‘great ideas’ file for now.


 

'Bear Rock' section. Unfinished
‘Bear Rock’ section. Unfinished

ABCs of one girl’s Child Abuse (trigger warnings)

A is for Angry, the way dad gets.

is for Bad, how we feel about sex.

is for Churning.  It’s that feeling in your tummy when,

D Daddy’s working and leaves you with mummy.

E is for Everyone.  Whom you have to be nice to.

F is for Fear when mama turns into an ice-cube.

G is for Girl. It’s what you were not supposed to be.

H is for Help, which never comes free.

I is for Isolation. You’ve worn a path in your carpet.

is for Joy. You can’t remember. Are you allowed to feel that yet?

is for Kisses from your own sweet mouth.

is for Language used to manipulate the truth.

M is for Mommy, the scariest one.

N is for Nuance blunted. Information spun.

O is for Over-blown, how you always react.

P is for Perfection which must always remain intact.

Q is for Quiet. One sweet respite.

R is for Rage, lasting all through the night.

S  is for Shame wading through all the tumult.

T is for Tantrums had exclusively by adults.

U is for Umbrellas never held overhead.

V is for Voracious, the desires in your head.

W is Water, what we drink when we are hungry.

X is for X-ray, never taken, though it should be.

is for Yellow where the stains go unwashed.

Z is for Zipper as in zipped up, closed, squashed.


 


3 thoughts on “My Horrible Little Book

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